It’s on days like today that this sort of listlessness comes to appear most. In somewhat of a limbo between having a day off and to myself, and realising I don’t have any plans. What do I do? I’m a little financially stranded, and the car troubles are leaving me stationary too. I’m sat here in bed wondering whether or not it’s time to get that serious job again, or if I keep on with what at the moment feels like an uphill battle, trying to live this vagabond lifestyle for just a few more months  which mind you would have been totally livable if the car troubles I was having didn’t exist.

It certainly wasn’t something I planned for, not to this extent anyhow. I feel caught between being somewhat blindsided, and also feeling a little bit silly for not having seen it coming. The question I’m finding myself faced with now is, do I keep pushing on, or do i pull the pin? Gut instinct is telling me to keep pushing, weirdly. I have this internal pull, this longing to keep going for just a few more months but these hiccups make it all the more challenging to not throw the towel in and dig the heels in somewhere. I’m finding myself questioning it, the gut instinct which I rely on so heavily for so many of my decisions, but she’s telling me to keep pushing, and I can’t ignore it.

Part of what makes this feel so overwhelming at times is this looming fear of failure that I have coming off the back of my return from what was meant to be an adventure of at least two years, cut short at seven months. Covid was such a silver bullet, something I could never have planned for. So too was falling deeply in love just before leaving for said adventure. I think back on these events as reminders that I am undoubtedly nowhere near as in control of my life as I once thought, which is also a welcome reminder that I can’t fight the flow.

Que será, no? Whatever will be will be, regardless of what I have planned.