“I think back on these events as reminders that I am undoubtedly nowhere near as in control of my life as I once thought, which is also a welcome reminder that I can’t fight the flow.

Que será, no? Whatever will be will be, regardless of what I have planned.”

– me, literally two weeks ago.

And just like that. Worries of yesterday thrown out the window by the opportunities of tomorrow. They never do last that long do they? Even though it feels that way at the time. If you’re wondering what I’m alluding to, it’s the ridiculous wicket I will be on when I accept my employment offer to go to the dark side. And those financial issues that had me bogged down just a couple of weeks ago will disappear. It has me thinking, how the fuck does this damn universe work? Or more to the point, how the fuck does my brain work? Or maybe, who the hell is up there picking me up when I’m stumblin’?

There’s something in this about letting go of expectations, and just letting life be as it is in the moment. The issues with car really had me down as its kind of been the defining feature of this entire little micro-adventure I’ve found myself on (not to mention the gentle spank getting covid gave me just as the bill dropped). It’s the thing that I lived out of for three months, the thing that has driven me over 5,000km from the east coast to the west coast, and the thing that I invested hopes and dreams, time and money into, with a view that it would get me another 5,000km up and around the west coast of Aus. It wasn’t the issues with car that were driving me crazy as such, it was the thought of having to pull the pin on the end goal…again.

I wanted to be a little petulant brat and ask the world why bad things always happen to me. I wanted to know if I’m destined to do anything I set out to do, or will I continue to be constantly disappointed? When people were telling me how well I was doing, I wanted to tell them they were wrong and that the world is indeed against me.

It’s amazing how quickly those thoughts can disappear when you just start to accept the reality of the situation rather than fighting it. Changing the thoughts from “why is this happening to me” to “this is happening to me, so what can I do about it”. That used to be incredibly easy for me to do. Me was incredibly pragmatic. These days, I find it slightly more challenging to slide into that next phase. That’s not to say I cant any more, just that there is active thought processing to be done on my part, steps that never before existed.

There are these completely irrational thoughts that surface when I’m faced with minor inconvenience these days, thoughts that make me feel as though I am not good enough, I am not deserving, and that I should stop trying to climb higher and that maybe I should go take a nap in the comfort zone where its lovely and warm and they have hot cocoa. But the thing is, I know where these thoughts come from, I know they’re unjustified and they stem from an upbringing in this sort of environment, and that they have been triggered more recently by a series of events.

If you’re wondering what these extra steps are, they go something like this. Step 1 – reminding myself of where these thoughts come from, Step 2 – reminding myself that I am good enough, and that I am certainly deserving, and that outside the comfort zone also has hot cocoa and naps, and Step 3 – peering outside of the bubble into the amazing reality I’m currently living. That is my favourite step, because I get this gush of gratitude that washes over me that feels as though my body is tingling from the inside out and that someone has wrapped me up in a big gold sparkly blanket. I get a lump in my throat when I think about my family, little tinglies on my arms when I think about how not only amazing my friends are, but how cool they are, and the biggest ball of joy comes from realising just how gosh damn lucky I am and then I feel like vomiting happiness over everything and all is good in my world again.

Truth is, I haven’t actually received a formal offer of employment, but even if that doesn’t come to fruition for me right now, the other path of this omni-present fork in the road is that I drive up north and spend three months lazing on a beach somewhere on the west coast. Life really is good either way.

I’m aware that much of my writing has been deep and somewhat foreshadowed. The thing is, when it’s good, it’s good and I’m completely and utterly absorbed in it’s goodness. I am eager to start making the time to write about the good, and also the non-consequential observations I have, like the all-consuming peace that comes with listening to the rain fall whilst cuddling a hot water bottle, or how using the word “whilst” elevates one’s status in the world.

Also, just a quick shout out to those of you that reach out after reading my posts. Thank you, not only for taking the time to read, but for supporting my blog. I’ve really come to love this outlet and I genuinely hope it helps to normalise the waves of emotions that come with being human.

If you’re wondering how good my life has been recently, this is shameless plug for my Instagram of travel photos. Follow along @restlessbrowneyes