I have this overwhelming feeling to contact him. Where is he, what is he doing, how is he doing. Does he still think about me as much as I do him? Does he follow the same thought process of remembering the deep feelings we shared, only to have to remind oneself of why we are in fact apart.

He’s in my dreams, both waking and asleep. I stop myself from searching for him, reminding me of the damage it would do. I stop myself from reaching out, reminding myself of the damage it would do. A scab reopened.

It doesn’t really go away, this feeling of desire for that person. And I guess you learn to live with it, the pull it has and the small, yet beautiful scar it leaves. It’s gratitude that I come back to. Gratitude that I was lucky enough to experience a feeling so deep, even though the pain of losing it was so harsh. I know what’s possible, and while at times ignorance is bliss, reality can be so much more enthralling. I had something special, and for a small moment in time my heart was completely full to the brim, overflowing in fact.

I’m not looking for a head pat with a “you’ll find love again”. It would be like getting the exact same puppy after losing your own. Its irreplaceable. It has its place and that’s where it will stay, a defining moment in my life, where so, so, much learning and growth occurred.

It opened the floodgates for me discovering why I feel the way I feel, why I’m triggered the way I am. I feel refined, evolved almost, like a snake slowly but surely creeping out of its old skin. Each experience is one muscle forward, one vertebrae edging out. And I’m so damn happy about it. Its liberating to understand this level of my psyche, at times a curse, but mostly an absolute blessing.

This little note comes to me as fly back across the country from old home to new home, from memories of the past to placeholders of the future. Im madly scrambling to finish this post as the plane is descending. Before my beautiful rasta retrieves me from the airport. Go figure right?

Those feelings will never disappear, and I can honestly say I never want them to. But ya gotta keep going, and if that means not leaving your beautiful creole rasta waiting in vain for you then thats what I have to do.