I do not want to subscribe to the cliché he so often experiences, or so he’s told me. “This is how it always ends and then they don’t talk to me” he would say. Extreme magnetism. You are so great. This curve in your body. You are so refreshing. I’ll stay a while. I like you a lot. All, his words. “And then they don’t talk to me”. How odd.

I wanted to show him that it’s not always that way. He, an incredibly deep person emotionally, with an exorbitant amount of love to give. Able to receive just as much, but, unbelieving in its possibility? The reaction was textbook. Withdraw, devalue, distance, move on. A comfortable space to be in. One that affirms disappointment, and in that there is comfort.

I’m not like that, I want to say. I’m not uncaring, I’m not dismissive. I do not neglect nor judge. I’m not like the others I want to say.  And I don’t accept this protective concrete wall bullshit game your adolescents has you erecting time and time again, erecting between us.

But I don’t say. And I won’t. It is not my place.

I know he enjoyed deeply the afternoon love making sessions in the unfurnished sun-filled room. I know he enjoyed deeply the time talking endlessly, discovering how our thoughts overlapped. I know he enjoyed the openness, the freedom, nakedness of body and mind. I enjoyed it too.

We knew it would come to an end. So why then did he have to make it so incredibly clear that he wouldn’t care when I left? I did not need to know. My plan was to continue living my life with fond memories of our connection. To see each other when situations permit, but to not force that to happen.  I want to say.

I want to say, were you worried that this was not my intention? Were you worried I needed more? You put me in such a position, one that had me questioning myself, doubting myself, thinking that I’m crazy for being attracted to you when, of course I was, all the signs were there. I have enough self-awareness to know the reality of our situations without the blatant reminders. Were your reminding me, or, were your reminding you?

Let me in, I want to say. But, I don’t.