The period before the period. A switch flipped and the hyperactive energiser bunny bounding of the walls for the past few days, has now fallen into the bathtub and short-circuited. Bread, delicious expensive sourdough bread must be consumed thrice daily, dinners must be simple for there is no eagerness for effort, and all conversations must be as minimally irritating as possible. Head pats allowed, along with back tickles and all-round worship. Welcome, the Luteal Phase.

The Luteal Phase is the phase in between ovulation and menstruation. Levels of luteinizing hormone and  oestrogen decrease, and the body starts preparing for the implantation of fertilized egg. Fluctuations in oestrogen and progesterone also occur, depending on conception. These hormone fluctuations is what is generally attributed to the symptoms of irritability, depression and skin issues.

Flo – The period bible

FOURTEEN DAYS of EVERY MONTH. What the hell kind of sick joke is this? Hell hath no fury like a luteal lady. The tether is much shorter, which, may actually be a good thing for some of us less confrontational folk. The ability to tell someone to fuck right off becomes much more doable when all the fucks you possibly have are being dedicated to masking the symptoms associated with the monthly movement of that tiny little egg.

I’m toeing the line here. I despise the idea of disguising women’s issues under the big bright bloody umbrella of periods, but, when your chromosomes have decided that you will feel sad today, and maybe for the next seven to fourteen days, and your sadness will be rewarded by debilitating pain and a potentially messy few days if you’re not well prepared, short and sharp may be the only way to convey any kind of instruction. But, buyer beware, all instructions to she who has just ovulated must be delivered with luteal phase in mind – softly, gently, and the aforementioned worship.

If people with penises can get a free pass for being hunter gatherers and the apparent uncontrollable urge to spread their seed as much as possible for the rest of their lives, then surely people with vaginas can get a free pass for demanding compassion under circumstances which we have no control over. After all, both are for the survival of the species, right?

There’s something in there about understanding the struggles of the opposite sex and how working together is actually the best thing for both parties, and how things are different these days because of societal needs and constructs and women can work now and men are great dads and how these hormonal fluctuations and societal expectations are especially challenging for trans and non-binary folk, and that whingeing about a period is a privilege of the west. But I’m luteal day one, so.